Untitled Project - Chapter #4

[Untitled Project]

CHAPTER #4

There are many, many ways to rationalize a surreal experience. Most try to pass it off as a mere dream or illusion, even though the supposed facade appeared tangible and sensory. Others may simply chalk it up to something they ate, although really, how much of an effect does food have on our perception unless it's filled with hallucinogens?

Other experiences, however, can simply be described in a single word: Divine.

Ken simply started up at the slow-moving clouds. Or were they moving at all? He couldn't really tell, nor did it really matter. It was interesting, sure, but so was the fact that he was here in the first place, and he hadn't actually tried to figure out why that was so far.

He was sprawled out on his back, his gaze fixed towards the sky. The field he was in was devoid of humanity, being completely covered with every flower known to man as far as his eyes could see (which admittedly, considering the prescription on his glasses, wasn't very far at all). The scene stirred up feeling within him. He almost felt like he should point his finger towards the sky, soberly announcing to the world something about how he walks the path of Heaven...

"But that would be too weird, even for me..."

He said this aloud to nobody in particular.

He wasn't exactly sure how he found himself in this position, nor did he have any clue as to how long he had been there. The passage of time confused him slightly. He honestly couldn't say how long it had been. It could have easily been any length of time, anywhere between five seconds to several weeks. The location was also completely foreign, yet more familiar and comforting than home. It wasn't Heaven, but it still felt pretty good...

"Good day to you."

A figure was standing behind his head. He glanced up casually. He recognized this figure immediately, but for some odd reason... wasn't surprised by this rather miraculous appearance. He smiled and lovingly gazed at this person.

"Hello to you too, Kanon."

She smiled brightly back at him, radiating beauty and purity. To Ken, she was just like an angel right now. She started off the conversation in her typical manner.

"Are you doing well?"

He shook his head. It was quite a weird conversation, actually. Here he was, face-to-face with the girl he essentially loved who had just died tragically not that long ago... and yet, he is feeling peaceful right now? But in all honesty, he knew he wasn't doing well. The images of that hated event still stayed with him constantly, having been chiseled into his memory forever.

"I certainly haven't been doing well, no... I've been sad, depressed, angry... how else am I supposed to react to your death?"

He didn't even bother asking why she was there when she wasn't supposed to be. That just didn't seem important right now.

"I know you haven't been doing well... I was informed of your behavior as of late. That is why I am here: to help you right now for what lies ahead. Preparation is necessary."

Preparation? His ears perked up. What kind of preparation is needed? He needs comfort right now, instead. Some of the bad feelings were already slowly leaking into his heart.

"What do you mean by 'preparation'? Wouldn't this have been better suited for when you were still alive?"

She gazed at his eyes, which caused him to redden slightly.

"You were already prepared for that. You simply did not see it at the time."

She continued speaking as elegantly and succinctly as she always used to before...

"And you should know before I inform you of the information I am allowed to tell you... I am not the real Kanon."

He shrugged his shoulders at this news, brushing it off.

"I figured that out fairly quickly. It's just easier to refer to you as her, considering you are pretty much her in every way possible right now."

She giggled that amazingly adorable giggle she always had.

"If that is what you wish, then please feel free to do so."

Despite himself, he laughed. That certainly sounded like something Kanon would say, and good memories of her started flowing softly back into his mind... he remembered everything that he liked about her. He smiled happily.

"Okay, okay... so, if I may ask, what are you preparing me for, precisely? Am I allowed to know that much, or must it remain hidden from me?"

She thought about the question for a split second, then answered matter-of-factly.

"What you are being prepared for cannot be answered at this time, as you well expected. The future is not for you to know with certainty, but it is God's plan for your life. You will experience much inner turmoil, moreso than you have experienced up to this point."

More turmoil? He was starting to get a bit annoyed at this idea.

"I have to experience more of this terrible feeling? Why? Why must I constantly have to experience such difficulty in my life?"

She stared at him sadly, but spoke with conviction in her voice. She spoke the way he loved hearing Kanon...

"It is understandable that you are upset by this future. However, complaining about it will not help you mature in your faith. You said yourself that you have experienced this type of sadness before. Remember that your life has been orchestrated by your Maker, and that everything you have experienced up until now has been what He has wanted.

What you need to know right now is that your life will be used in many special ways by your God. You have been living this life for a reason. Do not look at these trials as necessarily "bad", but as something that God wants you to go through to prepare you for your mission in life. Is that not a great honor for a sinful human to receive?"

Ken sighed... how could he argue against that? He understood these things already, but it makes sense that he only ever realizes how important it is when it comes out of the mouth of one of his loved ones...

"I get it... I understand."

He spoke these words with a sigh, essentially resigning himself to the fact that she was right. He didn't have a right to complain, nor should he if this is what God wanted of him. He decided to change the subject.

"I understand you can't tell me about this trial that I'm supposed to experience... but can you tell me some other things?"

Her face softened a bit, giving him a bright smile.

"What you want to ask has to do with the one you love, does it not?"

He sighed again, and looked at her again with a sad smile on his face.

"Yes, it does... I just want to ask, she is in Heaven now, isn't she?"

She nodded happily.

"Yes, she is. She is with her Savior now, praying on your behalf."

This answer hit Ken hard... he suddenly felt so humbled that Kanon would be interceding for him, asking God to keep him safe, when she was able to talk to Him face-to-face.

"...really? Does that mean... that she loved me?"

The Kanon standing in front of him smiled even more happily, almost giddy, in a sense.

"Yes, she truly, truly loved you, Ken. You captured her heart the moment you met. She could see something in you that most others cannot. But she also does not want you to allow her death to overwhelm your mind. It will be a sad time for you for awhile, but you must move on eventually. That is what she wants for you. She loves you and is asking her Lord to keep you steady in your faith."

The emotions came over Ken, again. She loved him so much, didn't she? And he loved her, too...

Tears were forming in his eyes again, a feeling that he had become only too familiar with over the past weeks. She noticed this, but continued speaking.

"Now... we must part ways. Your trial is beginning soon."

Ken started getting worried again at this news.

"W-wait...! Will I remember these words you spoke to me...?"

She tilted her head slightly and gave a sad smile.

"This conversation will feel like a mere dream when you look back on it, and you will not be able to recall precise details. But you will remember the feelings you had... you will know that Kanon truly loved you."

Ken felt slightly relieved at this news, but was still worried about her departure.

"...thank you... so much... and please let her know that... I loved her, as well..."

She smiled brighter than ever, causing his heart to stop.

"You are quite welcome, Ken. Now, we must part. Seek your Savior, Ken. Allow those closest to you to help, and always be willing to do the same in return."

The wind started blowing gently as this apparition of Kanon started walking slowly towards Ken. Ken was confused slightly, but didn't ask questions. She slowly raised her hand and extended it towards his forehead and touched it lightly...

The wind roared past his body, whipping his clothes rapidly. He suddenly felt dizzy, and all the scenery around him melted away. He felt as if he were falling slowly, endlessly, into an abyss of darkness.

He started seeing scenes from his life play around him, starting with his childhood...

Those terrible nights with his father...
The fights at night...
His delinquent activity...
Encounters with dangerous people forming his personality and attitude...
Friendships formed, friendships broken...
Betrayals, alliances...
Sickness, death...
His new friends, his salvation...
His life now...

Every memory that surrounded him reminded him of what he had been through. And every memory ended violently, being destroyed as if a punch was thrown at a mirror, shattering it.

Everything started becoming jumbled together, confusing his mind... every time he saw a memory shatter, it started fading from his mind until he could no longer remember it. Slowly, gradually, his memory of unimportant things were lost... then the important memories started disappearing, too...

Who were these people in the memories? His family? His friends? He couldn't recall...

...What is my name...?

He could not even remember that...

Suddenly, other memories started pouring into his mind rapidly. They seemed completely foreign to him, and yet oddly nostalgic and familiar. Where had he seen these images before? How is it that this knowledge that is now entering his head seems both alien and intimately familiar at the same time?

It overwhelmed his head. He did not know for sure what was even real anymore.

Which is real? What was my name before? Why can I not remember?!

He couldn't stand it anymore. The sudden ripping away of his previous memories... the immediate influx of new information that he wasn't sure was real or not... his mind was on overload. He could no longer think... and was swiftly greeted with a much desired peace as he somehow, in some odd way, passed out within his own mind.

Untitled Project - Chapter #3

[Untitled Project]

CHAPTER #3

She continued writing for a long period of time. She wrote down her thoughts and feelings, nothing more, nothing less. Occasionally weaving in lines from books she had read, or songs she had listened to, or poems that she somehow still recalled. But they were still her words; somebody else just wrote them better.

It's not like copyright laws apply to my thoughts, right?

While writing, she indulged herself a little in the snacks that her parents had brought her. Licorice was by and large her favorite sweet, hands down. If she could have a box of licorice each day, she would... probably weigh about 500 pounds. But that would be okay, because she loved the stuff.

She eventually started getting concerned again.

When was the last time I checked on him...? I don't particularly want to go back to the room, but...

She wrestled with herself for a split second. Should she go see him again? That room... wasn't inviting, not in the least. But somehow, she knew... she had to go see if he was doing alright. She hadn't heard from Ken's mother in... how long has it been? She checked her phone...

...Wait a minute... is that right?

The digital clock read 9:37... AM.

She had been there for nearly 16 hours.

No wonder light was finally starting to shine in her eyes. She had been so engrossed in what she was doing and in her own thoughts earlier that she... simply never noticed. She sighed, yet again.
As per my usual... everything goes on around me when I'm not paying attention.

She gathered up her possessions and slowly made her way towards his room, still reluctant to see him and that condition again.

She paused again when she got to the door. Her hands were shaking somewhat, like before, only not quite as bad. She took a deep breath and proceeded to enter, a little bit easier than last time.

She made sure not to immediately glance at him as soon as she entered, and instead looked to see who was in the room. Ryou was standing by the bed, seemingly giving a pep talk to... the unconscious Ken.

Ooooookay....

She felt a little guilty, but she couldn't help thinking about how weird this guy really was. They were good friends and all... but he certainly knew how to avoid conventional norms.

But that's why he's a great guy.

Naomi glanced towards the other figure in the room, Ken's mother. She still looked a bit distressed, but she weakly smiled when she noticed Naomi had walked into the room.

Such a strong woman... I know I'd be at the end of my rope if it were my child...

Naomi gave a slight wave, then thought the better of it and simply stood there, unsure of what to do. Ken's mother smiled a little bit more and brought her hand to her mouth. Was that a small laugh coming from her? Naomi flushed with embarrassment, and didn't know how to proceed.

“Thank you for being here, Naomi. I'm sorry for not being more hospitable, considering how you've been here all night, but...”

The woman trailed off. Naomi immediately raised her hands up apologetically.

“Oh no, there's no need to be sorry... I completely understand...”

She trailed off, as well. What else could she say?

Ryou noticed this and walked over to their small group.

“Havin' a conference without me?”

Naomi quickly glanced over at him, hoping to take some of the attention off of herself. His style of speaking always slightly aggravated her, but she ignored it for now. She hurriedly tried to think of something to say.

“Umm... no, not exactly... uh, hey, who were you talking to over there?”

He looked at her quizzically.

“Uh, it was Ken. Who else would I be talkin' to... when I'm standin' right next to the bed, lookin' right at him?”

...Oh.

That's indeed what it looked like, but...

“...And... why would you be talking to him?”

She immediately regretted saying it.

Oh no... if there was anything more insensitive than that...

“Because... the doctor said it might be a good idea? He's asleep, but not deaf, y'know...”

...Oh yeah.

She looked around the room, seeing that all eyes were on her.

...Awkward. Very awkward.

This was the exact situation she was trying to avoid. She turned an even deeper shade of red, if such a thing were possible by now.

Suddenly, someone broke the silence... with a giggle? Naomi looked towards the source of the noise...

Ken's mother?

The older woman had started giggling at the situation for some bizarre reason.

Certainly this might have been humorous had it been present in a manga or TV show, but... was this really the most appropriate time for laughter?

Naomi just stood there. Suddenly, another voice broke into laughter. It was that jerk, Ryou.

What-..? What am I not getting here?!

Naomi didn't know what to do. Ken's mother calmed down after a few seconds.

“It's okay, dear, we weren't making fun of you. It was just a... funny situation.”

She started giggling again. She seemed to be unable to help herself.

Great... another awkward situation. Yet another joke that flew completely over my head.

She sighed and raised her hands again.

“Okay, okay... apparently something happened that I totally missed. Ha-ha, we get it, it was funny, hilarious, all that. Great.”

She didn't want to sound rude, but there was a time and a place... and unfortunately, this was neither.

The other two regained their composure, understanding that she wasn't exactly in a fun mood at the moment.

“It's okay, Naomi. Ken's mom and I have been talkin' about this for awhile. Laughter isn't a bad thing to have in times like these.”

Ryou tried to assure her, but being the person she was...

“I understand that... but really, is it appropriate right now? I mean... I came here to see how HE was doing... not to join a circus.”

She turned her gaze towards the bed, trying to hold back her tears at what she saw.

He was laying in the same position, not having moved an inch since she last saw him. Frankly, he was still a mess. The bandage on his head had thankfully been changed since last time, though fresh spots of blood were still visible. The machines were still keeping him stable and alive, at least. But she still hated the sight of him in such a weak, fragile state. She wanted to hold him in her arms, to comfort him... but she knew that wouldn't do any good right now. She just had to wait... endlessly wait.

She turned away from him and looked again at the other two.

“I apologize for being rude... I never take serious situations like this very well. That's still no excuse, so I just want to say that I'm very sorry.”

They nodded their heads solemnly. They both understood. Ryou spoke up.

“Hey, it's okay... we're all havin' a tough time with this. That's why I was doing what the doctor said. It kinda helps release the built-up feelings and all that. We understand what you're goin' through.”

He grinned slightly, trying to lighten the mood.

“Y'know what? That's exactly what you're goin' to do right now. We'll leave while you talk to Ken, sound good?”

He motioned towards Ken's mother, who also stood up, and both walked towards the door.

“W-wait...! You're going to leave me here to... talk with him? Why?!”

She panicked for a second. Could she really do that? She felt like she would be too scared to even go near the bed, much less actually speak verbally TO him, even if he couldn't exactly hear everything at the moment.

“Yep, that's right. It really helps, I promise. She needs to get some stuff to eat, anyway; she's been here for too long without food. And since I'm also starvin', I'll join her. I know you're not hungry, since I saw you wolfin' down that bag of candy not too long ago.”

Her faced flushed with embarrassment again.

When did he see that?! Was I not paying attention?

“Y'know... just a side note, but you're really going to start gainin' some extra pounds if you keep eating sugary stuff like that. I didn't want to say anything, but it's kinda starting to show a bit... Y'know, just warnin' you.”

“.....”

...WHAT?!

She couldn't even believe her ears.

There's no way... did he really just say that? Did he honestly, truly... say THAT?!

She fumed with fury and anger. No matter the situation, no matter the context, no matter the circumstance...

...you NEVER... EVER poke fun at a woman's weight.

She immediately tightened her hand into a fist, ready to give him the beating and/or strangling of his life for even SUGGESTING anything of the sort.

He quickly sensed this and laughed as he rapidly exited the room with Ken's mother, waving as he closed the door.

That jerk... he's so lucky I didn't have time to react.

Naomi was normally a peaceful person, but get her angry enough...

The anger eventually dissipated, and a nervous mood overtook her again as she turned her head back towards Ken.

Okay... I'm supposed to talk to him...? How... do I do that?

In theory, it was simple. Just talk to him. But what about? How should she speak? As if he were right there, listening to her? What if she speaks how she usually does, asking questions and waiting for answers? How can he do that?

Ugh... I'm not like Ryou... I never liked speaking to people period, let alone during serious situations...

She stood there, debating as to how to approach this... “event”. She briefly felt as if she were in a visual novel and was at a branching story path, needing to choose one of two choices in order to progress through the story.

If only life were so easy...

She timidly approached the side of his bed, more nervous than she had been earlier. She sat down on the chair that was sitting there, and proceeded to...

...do absolutely nothing.

Should I just... talk? What do I say? “Hey! How's it going?”?

She sat there and thought for a minute. She then took a deep breath and started speaking.

“...hello. It's been awhile, hasn't it?”

No response came from him... obviously. She kept talking.

“You never returned my call... well, I can understand why, so it's not like I'm offended or anything. I just... thought you should know. I mean, I'm not trying to make you feel bad or anything, but... um...”

She stammered, at a loss for words. What exactly do you say to an unconscious person, anyway?

“...You know... I'm really sorry for your loss... I know I wasn't exactly the most supportive person in your relationship, but... I did really like her. She was my friend, too. I may not have been as close to her as you, obviously, but I still feel the pain from her death...”

She bit her lip, unsure of how to continue.

“That's why... I really would have appreciated you calling me when you were hurting. You locked yourself up, kept everybody at an arm's length. I know we were probably overbearing and a bit overly helpful, but this was our personal way of dealing with the pain. We knew you were hurt the most, and we felt that we were paying respect to her memory by doing what she would want, helping you through it all. I'm sorry if we kept you stifled, though...

Still... please remember that I'm here for you. No matter what you're going through, I'll be somebody you can come to for help. I know what pain feels like. That doesn't mean I'll hurt every time you bring something up that triggers those painful feelings, though. Actually, I'll be happy... it would make me very happy to be able to guide you through the healing process, to bring you to a point of inner peace. I'm not offended if you bring up my past.”

She sighed peacefully. It was nice, being able to express all of this to him. Maybe Ryou wasn't as big of an ignoramus as she thought.

“And also remember that I need someone to come to for help, as well. You were always a good listener before, so you need to get better again. We share that bond, remember? I promise that we can have some fun as soon as you get out of the hospital. Perhaps we can... play a fighting game? You know, your favorite one?”

She giggled a bit. It was out of place, certainly, but it was fun, as well.

She started talking about the past, going on and on about the fun times they all had together. Their first meeting... eating lunch as a group... Ryou's antics... it was nice taking a stroll down memory lane, even if some of the memories weren't her most favorite. She eventually got to the first introduction they had... with “her”...

“...You really liked her, didn't you? I suppose you did, seeing as how you two got so close with each other... Truth be told, I was quite envious when you and her first mentioned everything. We all had our suspicions, of course, but we didn't know how close you really were. That announcement was... quite sudden. And to be frank, I didn't like it at first... not at all...”

She started remembering those bad feelings associated with those memories... jealousy, regret, failure... she had felt as if she had lost something so dear to her.

“But don't worry, I eventually accepted it. I wanted you to be happy, even if... well, it's not important now. I still want you to experience happiness, whether I'm there to help you obtain it or not. You deserve better than a neurotic weirdo like me, anyway.”

And it was true. She had accepted it, even now. But the tears started to fall again... she couldn't stop them...

“Oh no... I... well, you don't need to worry about me. I'm sorry... I...”

She choked up. She wasn't sure what to do. She didn't expect such strong emotions to rise from simply talking about her feelings.

“It's not important, trust me... you're a good guy, Ken. I don't deserve you, and you deserve better, let's just leave it at that.”

She nervously laughed, fighting back the emotions.

“Anyway... I should probably go get the others, just in case... anything happens...”

She quickly stood up and walked nervously towards the door. However, as she put her hand out to turn the knob, she stopped. She looked back at him... tears streaming down her cheeks...

...She couldn't leave like this.

She slowly walked back towards him, inching closer than she had been before, her whole body shaking more and more from the anxiety. She reached out her trembling hand... and placed it on top of his. She held onto it for a few seconds.

Curiously warm...

With her heart beating furiously in her chest and her face blushing an even deeper shade of red than ever before, she timidly bent down towards his face...

She delivered to him... a kiss on the cheek.

She slowly pulled her face back after a few seconds, but still held onto his hand... just a few seconds longer...

She reluctantly released it, feeling as if it was painfully torn from her, and slowly made her way back towards the door. She stopped again, with her hand on the knob... she turned her gaze towards him once more...

With bitter tears freely falling from her face, she said the words that she had always feared... the words she never wanted to say... the words that caused her heart to shatter...

“Farewell... my first love...”

Untitled Project - Chapter #2

[Untitled Project]

[CHAPTER #2]

The next few days were an absolute nightmare which tormented her every moment.

It turned out that Ken had suffered a head injury. It was not terribly serious, but it had rendered him unconscious. Not only that, but he had suffered some injuries from his narrowly-escaped brush with death. They were mostly scrapes and bruises, minus a few bleeding injuries from hitting pavement (though he would be feeling plenty of aches and pains when he woke up). And on top of everything, he had developed a cold from being out in the rain for so long, which didn't exactly aid the healing process.

But he was still alive. As long as he was still breathing, Naomi was somewhat relieved.

If only he would wake up, though...

He had been unconscious ever since coming to the hospital. The doctor was puzzled by this, but he chalked it up to mere shock from losing blood. Naomi also believed that the trauma of his accident coupled with his recent psychological mindset might have attributed to it, but it was merely guesswork at the moment. She wouldn't know anything for sure until Ken told them himself.

Ryou had shown up soon after Naomi, and had also been hit hard by the sight and the news. He was optimistic, though, just as he always was. And because he was the more comforting of the two, he helped talk Ken's mother through it all, encouraging her through this difficult time. She seemed to be very worried, but she was holding up better than Naomi thought she would. She had expected her to be at a complete loss and, frankly, hysterical. But she held her composure, and didn't let the crying and the worry overcome her completely.

Really, the one who took the news the hardest... was Naomi herself. She had barely stopped crying since she had seen him in that horrid state. This was a strange experience for her, as she typically never let her emotions get the better of her. But this was a sensory overload, and she had no other option than to let the tears fall. She hadn't cried this much since, well...

That's right... this is how it was back then, wasn't it...?

She held the saddest memories back, not wanting to multiply the situation with more emotions. She wiped her face of the tears, making more dark spots on the back of her sleeve. They had almost become the default color of her sleeves at this point.

She actually hadn't left the hospital since she arrived. Her family had come to check up on her and on Ken, and they tried to comfort her. They eventually realized that she wasn't responding positively, so they thought it best to leave her alone with her thoughts. They brought her extra clothing and some of her things, and kissed her goodbye. She barely managed to squeeze out a word of thanks before they left, and was soon left alone again.

She decided to stay out of his hospital room for the time being. Seeing his hurt figure... it was too much for her to take at this time. She secluded herself in the waiting area, sitting by herself, staring at the ground...

How did this happen? He simply fell incorrectly? What kind of accident is that?

She was confused by this entire ordeal.

Why didn't he ask any of us to go with him? Even if it was just one of us, that would have been enough to keep him from that accident... he could have called me, I would have dropped everything in order to help him. Doesn't he know that?

In truth, she was starting to get frustrated. But she kept her exterior silent. She still had the same blank facial expression, while her eyes were filled with depression, distress, and fear, all mixed together in a silent gaze. She was simply staring into space, not moving an inch. She had curled her legs up on the chair with her and hugged her arms around them. Her glasses rested on her head, rendered useless due to the tears.

She sat there for many hours, sitting in the same position, keeping herself from everybody.

Could it be that he doesn't consider me a close friend? Have I not shown him that I care about him?

These words spun around in her mind. On the one hand, she felt like a complete jerk, thinking only about herself at this time. On other hand, her presence could have prevented him from getting into an accident, leading her to be concerned as to why he didn't feel comfortable enough with them to seek them out for emotional help.

She sighed quietly...

It's typical, isn't it? I'm turning everything around to myself, like the selfish, spoiled brat I am. I'm only concerned with my stake in all of this and feel personally offended because he didn't ask for MY help. I'm such a brat...

But still she sat, contemplating quietly... just like she always did.

***

However, even she eventually gets sick of thinking constantly.

She had no idea how much time had passed. Hours? Days? All seemed blended together, and the increments of time didn't seem very important at this time.

She was just hungry right now. Brooding does that to people.

She stretched out her aching legs, annoyed by how they hurt. She certainly had been sitting there for quite awhile, that much was certain. She noticed that there was nobody else in the waiting room that she was situated in, which puzzled her slightly. Not that she really cared if anybody saw her in this state. Normally she would be embarrassed if people saw her crying in public, but there was certainly no time for self-consciousness now.

She glanced over at the bag that her parents had left her. She paid no attention to it earlier, but now she was slightly curious, in an odd way. She opened it up and peered at its contents. Some of her clothing was inside, which may come in handy if she continued ruining the sweater she had on. One of her spiral notebooks, the ones she decorated herself with colorful markers and cut-out construction paper, also lay among the pile of items. Curiously, this was the blank one that she never got around to writing in. Perhaps her parents were telling her something? She rummaged further, coming across a simple set of coloring pencils, as well as pens for writing and her most recently compiled photo album.

She smiled slightly, in spite of herself. Her parents truly knew what she needed at a time like this. For sitting there in the bag, two items that she would put to use right away, was a brown bag filled with her favorite confections... and her personal Bible.

She took it out carefully, examining it thoroughly. This was such a kind gesture... she loved how her parents could guess exactly what she needed the most. They didn't pack all the theologically-ridden books, nor anything even remotely resembling the self-help volumes that drove her nuts, nor any portable games of any sort. No, they packed the one source of comfort that would help her through whatever she was going through during any time or season of her life.

She knew what she wanted to read at that moment. Interestingly, it wasn't a prayer of comfort for hard times, nor was it an expression of God's sovereignty through even difficult times. No, this was a personal admonishment that only she and God would understand.

Psalm 6
O Lord, do not rebuke me in Your anger,
Nor chasten me in Your wrath.
Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am pining away;
Heal me, O Lord, for my bones are dismayed.
And my soul is greatly dismayed;
But You, O Lord – how long?
Return, O Lord, rescue my soul;
Save me because of Your lovingkindness.
For there is no mention of You in death;
In Sheol who will give You thanks?
I am weary with my sighing;
Every night I make my bed swim,
I dissolve my couch with my tears.
My eye has wasted away with grief;
It has become old because of all my adversaries.
Depart from me, all you who do iniquity,
For the Lord has heard the voice of my weeping.
The Lord has heard my supplication,
The Lord receives my prayer.
All my enemies will be ashamed and greatly dismayed;
They shall turn back, they will suddenly be ashamed.

She understood that this was not the most applicable passage she could have turned to. Certainly this was not written for her, but she understood how it seemed to parallel what was happening with her personal thoughts. She was letting these feelings of anger and self-pity overcome her, keeping her from being beneficial in any way. How selfish was that?

She prayed to God to take away these bad feelings from her. She could cope with the sadness, but she didn't want to become bitter and angry, especially at God for letting this happen.

He has His reasons, and He has a plan. Who am I to argue with it?

She knew that this probably wouldn't comfort her immediately, given everything that was going on right now, but she knew that it was what she needed to do as soon as possible, before she let the feelings take over her.

She took out her notebook and paper, determined to write her feelings down. She may not be the most poetic or charismatic person, but she knew how to write. Her writing was her outlet for her feelings. A memory quickly flashed in her mind. That person... she had told Naomi that writing out her own psalms could help her deal with emotion, much like how it helped King David. She took that advice to heart, and never forgot what that woman said.

With pen in hand, she elegantly started putting words to paper, following no rule nor form... she simply expressed her feelings...

“...such is my name.”
I am a force with no use, nor need for use.
Unneeded... Unnecessary, but granted a purpose.
Offenses committed, a willingness and rebellion.
Yet pardon was made, snow-pure slate offered.
A slave changing masters, and a slave becoming a blessed one.
Such is my path, such was granted undeservedly.
Still falling, needed punishment feared.
But given peace, forgiveness felt instead.
Following a life, enjoying the good pleasure given.
Being blessed, a feeling that can never be replaced.
Take that away, and I am nothing.
Less than nothing, not a mark on the canvas.
An identity given its value.
Such is this existence.
Such is who I am.
Such is my name.

Perhaps it did not make very much sense. Perhaps it was confusing and not very poetic. But that was how she was. That was her “identity”.